


That Doesn't Mean It Didn't Hurt

by Doughnuts_wilderness



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Endgame, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes left behind, Bucky Barnes sad, Bucky Barnes turns down the shield, Gen, Hurt Bucky Barnes, I love Steve Rogers but honestly what a little shit, Other, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers goes back in time, Steve leaves Bucky, endgame did Bucky dirty, endgame killed me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 04:37:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18793135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doughnuts_wilderness/pseuds/Doughnuts_wilderness
Summary: 'Bucky wouldn't deny that it hurt. He wouldn't deny it because that would be a big fucking lie.''Bucky was shocked when he heard Steve's plan. He thought after all this was done maybe they would be able to find some sort of peace."You better be fucking sure pal"And he was. Steve was sure this was something he needed to do.'OR: How Bucky felt when Steve decided to go back in time with Peggy.-I didn't like how Endgame never showed Steve talking to Bucky and telling him he was leaving, making it seem like he just ditched Bucky without warning.  I also don't like that Steve left, I find that very OC of him. But since it's canon now, I decided to make a fic where Bucky knew Steve was going to leave (I got the feeling when watching that scene that Bucky knew. The way they said goodbye. The way he wasn't worried when Steve didn't return. etc.) and I wanted to show how Bucky felt as that all played out. I doubt he felt fine about his only connection left in the world leaving him.





	That Doesn't Mean It Didn't Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky's thoughts as Steve goes back in time to be with Peggy + The Conversation Steve and Bucky had the night before. 
> 
> Recommend Songs:   
> "What Hurts The Most" - Rascal Flatts   
> "All I Want" - Kodaline

Bucky wouldn’t deny that it hurt. He wouldn't deny it because it would be a huge fucking lie. Bucky has known some serious loss in his life. He's felt excruciating physical torture and he's had his fair share of mental torture. 

But this was a different type of pain. This loss ached in his bones and it sent a sharp pain in his chest that felt like a heart attack, not that anyone would know. After years of training under hydra Bucky had developed the skills he needed to keep his face clear of any emotion he didn't want to portray. 

Bucky didn't want to portray this particular emotion, not necessarily because he was embarrassed by it, but because he didn't want Steve to see it. Steve, the man who was causing this particularly human feeling inside Bucky. Ever since his time in Wakanda, Bucky had to get used to these types of feelings again. Having been a weapon for so long it was hard to let himself feel, to let himself identify emotions. It had been hard to want to at first. When your humanity is shut off for so long it doesnt mean it erases your past or cancels out what you did. No, it just keeps it all locked away like water behind a dam.

Bucky had quite the mental breakdown when he allowed the dam to open. He was flooded with emotions of grief, guilt, shame and everything in between. He remembered falling to his knees and sobbing as he felt like he was being crushed by tons and tons of water crashing down on him without mercy. His past hit him in the face like a punch from hulk, sudden and without mercy. He remembered Shuri sending the few doctors out of the room to give him privacy. She didn't leave, she stayed as a comforting presence in the room. Silent but appreciated. 

Bucky had a theory that ever since he had finally opened up again that he felt things with more passion than before. There was no way to tell for sure, it could just be he had more to feel these days. 

But here he was, watching Steve vanish from the platform with the Infinity Stones. Bucky knew Steve wasn't coming back, at least not the same as before. Steve had talked to him about it the night before.

Bucky understood. He really did. He was happy for Steve, all he ever wanted was for Steve to be happy. Bucky spent so long keeping steve alive, trying to help him live a long and happy life. 

That didnt mean it didn't hurt. Sometimes life isn't as straightforward as you would hope. Sometimes you can understand something, you can be genuinely happy for someone and still feel a great pain by what they are doing. 

Maybe that was love. Loving someone in such a way that you want them to be happy even if it makes you want to cry. Love isn’t about what you get from someone or about stopping them from being who they need to be just for your own selfish needs. There was a verse that Steve had read one time from the bible back when they were kids. It stuck with Bucky, not because Bucky was always a good catholic school boy and memorizing verses like Steve had been, but because he knew it described their relationship.  
“Love is patient, Love is kind. It is not self seeking, it keeps no record of wrong-doings. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love does not fail.” He knew Love is when someone else’s feelings are more important than yours. 

Bucky never thought they had a romantic love, that's just not what it was. But it was a love beyond what most people experience in their lifetime, Bucky was sure of that. He had began to think they were soulmates. Soulmates can be anything from family to friends to lovers. Whatever their relationship was defined as, Bucky knew they had something special. People don't start their life how they did, both “die” and then somehow find eachother again 70 years later, both having not aged. It didn't just happen like that. It just didn't. 

That's why Bucky will admit he was shocked when Steve told him his plan. He thought maybe since this was all over they could find some sort of peace.

“You better be fucking sure pal.” Bucky had said after processing Steve’s words. He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his long hair. 

And he was. Steve was sure this was something he needed to do. So Bucky didn't fight it. How could he? How could he stop Steve from being able to be with his gal? In a way he was right. Steve was going to find his peace. 100 years later and Steve would finally get the happy ending he deserved. Damn did he deserve it too. Steve always deserved so much, but he was always too selfless to get it. 

So Bucky let Steve be selfish for once, if that’s even what you could call it. Steve deserved whatever would make him happy, and if this was it then so be it. Bucky was prepared to let him have it. But that didn't mean it didnt hurt. 

Steve had offered Bucky the shield. He offered him Captain America. 

Bucky almost said yes. Bucky was a physical match to Steve. Bucky could handle the shield. He also wanted to be able to keep that piece of Steve with him. Sure Steve was always so much more than the mask he hid behind. More than the star on his chest or the red,white and blue shield everyone saw him as. But it was still…….Steve. Still their past. It was still everything Bucky wished he could have been. Steve had the white star on his chest while Bucky was branded with the red one on his arm. Even before he was the Winter Soldier, Bucky always did the dirty work. 

Captain America couldn't be stained. In the war they tried to keep as much of the actual dirty work off of the walking symbol’s hands. Sure Steve got his hands dirty, it was dark times. However whenever it was possible he was just the man giving orders. Because those were the orders given to him. To let Bucky or one of the Howlies be the one to execute the nazis they captured, or whatever it happened to be that day.

So maybe if he had the shield, if he had that part of _Steve _it would help keep Bucky on track. Help him atone for his crimes.__

____

____

That was exactly why he turned it down. He couldn't use Captain America for atonement because that's not what he was. He was an ideal and a mentality. You can't have a man who sometimes has to remind himself he's not the bad guy wearing the red, white and blue. You can't have the man hated by the public carrying the shield. You can't have a man who doesn't trust himself with that white clean star branded on his chest. That needed to be a man who was confident in his choices, a man who _knew _he was the good guy. Who didn't need to look around for approval from his teammates to know that he was doing the right thing, that he wasn't crossing any moral lines.__

____

____

“Give it to Wilson” 

Steve had furrowed his eyebrows a bit, giving him that appraising look that Bucky was so used to. 

“Are you sure?” he had asked. “Buck, I'd love for you to have it.”

Bucky slowly nodded his head. “Yeah he-yeah. Just don't tell birdboy I said that.”

Bucky knew it was the right choice. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. 

 

So Bucky watched Steve leave to go be with Peggy. If this was a movie then maybe he would have jumped forward and stopped him. He would have had some ‘on the spot’ speech that convinced Steve that this wasn't what he really wanted. They would all get in their car in drive off into the sunset. Fade to black and roll the credits. The end. 

But this was life, as fucked up as it had been so far, and Bucky knew if he did that that, Steve would never fully be happy. He would never fully get over not getting the girl when he had a second chance. 

 

Bucky let Steve go. It only lasted about ten seconds but it was the longest ten seconds of Buck’s entire 100+ years on this planet because he knew that those ten seconds were Steve’s entire life. In those ten Seconds Steve was living the life he always prayed for but never got. That Steve was living it without him. 

Bucky and Steve were soulmates who were never in the right time and place. Their lives were out of beat with each other. They had both lived lives without the other. It hurt. 

That’s why when Bucky turned and saw the silhouette of an old man on a bench he felt a hole in his heart. It must have been how Steve felt when he woke up from the ice, when he saw Peggy and the Howlies had lives their entire lives without him. To an extent how he felt when he knew Bucky had lived a life, however shitty it was, without him. 

He didn't walk over, he knew if he did in that moment he might not be able to hide the emotions he so carefully kept in check. 

He also wasn't sure he should be there when Steve gave Sam the shield. It didn't feel right to infringe on such a moment especially when it was a moment he wish he could have despite his better judgement. 

 

When Sam looked over at Bucky for approval before taking the shield from Steve, Bucky nodded at him in reassurance. 

He was happy for Sam, he really was. He knew Sam would be a great Cap. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. 

 

He was happy for Steve, he really was. All he ever wanted was for Steve to be happy. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt.


End file.
